… siMpLe tHouGht of -mEd’z- …

arrghh….why i keep such a sober!!! i pretend don’t Love you, and it’s breaking me so!! i stand my pride to not talk to you while it’s torture me inside… DAMN…i’m crushing once again!! i try to accept that you don’t want us. and i try to believe it!!

it’s the hardest thing i’ll ever have to do…when you lookin’ my eyes, to show no emotion…i can’t let you see what you mean to me…it’s the hardest thing i’ll ever have to do…to turn around and walk away, pretending i don’t love you.

i really want to talk to you…but i couldn’t. I don’t know why you stare me that way!! don’t made me confuse and don’t play me that way…i already believe that you didn’t want me. please let me believe… i already tired with all of that…

but why i keep hoping you inside…while you never show your feeling to me…

this moment, i’m in hate being my self…i hate to be me who was over sensitive, i hate to be me who was to coward to showed, i hate to be me who was afraid to dealing with reality, and i hate to be me who always hoping on you!!! can i get over you?!

i want to be someone other…living someone’s life…i want to do something without being me! i want to say "I Like You" to stranger i met in streets…i wanna do some flirt to other…i want to show what i’m feeling to someone i Love. why is it so hard to do when i was me!!

last night something strange happenned to my life. some accidentally thing around me. feels like a sign, but quite unsure.

yesterday was his birthday. the man i love. but still, i hadn’t got his invitation to his party. in the other hand, he told my friend first to come, and asked her to inform it to me. i’m not asked directly by him. it’s kind of unrespect for me if you have your event and asked me to come without directly asking me to be there. i was dissapointed. i asked my friend’s advice if he were in this situation. Vlad said that i shouldn’t come…"stand your pride" he said. "if he need you, he calls you. if don’t, than he won’t". "i know you really want to come…but don’t!!! trust me, DON’T!!". than i follow his advice. quite hard to did that. but i was trying my best to ignore my feeling…at all. you still didn’t appear…and i decided to off when you appeared at my window. i just tried to be strong enough! coz i know you wouldn’t call me. all i asked was call from you. i’m in love with you…can you see that…is that the way you treat the person who in love with you?! and i was still waiting for your call…desperately…my mp3 was playing sugababe’s song "Too Lost In You", and i reminded to the movie tittled "Love Actually" (the song was the Ost. from that movie).

at 18.00 when i decided to not come to your party (after hoplessly waiting for your call that didn’t came), suddenly a short message comming. and it was you!! you sent it last night (when my cell phone off). you asked me to came. and i just realized how stupid i was!!! it won’t possible if you didn’t call me before!!! i should knew it!! (suddenly my life became as close as one of story from "Love Actually" movie…). remember when Hugh Grant decided to not come to saw her women whom she loved before he found the letter she left before she quit her job…I THINK THAT’s WHAT BEEN HAPPENED to me last night. i almost lost my chance to saw the man i love this long at his birthday…(damn…what a perfect coincidence!!!). i asked vlad what should i did to it, and he shouted me to came as fast as i could. i run out my office to get there as soon as i can…with still didn’t believe to something that just happened to me. he text me later to asked me whether i came or not. but i believe that he knew i’ll come.

when i came…i couldn’t stand my self to not hugging him…i was too happy to saw him that night. i knew he stood at me…but i denied my self and try to ignored it…(DAMN…how fool i was!!! why it was so hard to accept my self to fall in love with him..!!). he’s so cute after couple days not seen. (why i a bit believe that he put the same feeling as i do feel for him…)…was it because the way he look at me…DAMN!!! i can’t stand to look him back!!! it stabbing me hard!!! i can felt through the way he look back at me…seems like i knew something familiar…ouw God…please tell me that’s true!!

i really in love with the circumstance. i really in love with him. i almost made my mistake. i really love to run to reach him last night. i really love to be there.

but one thing hangin’ over me at the end. he was seems to ignoring me when we separated to go home. i came to jealousy when he drove my friend to her home…(may i ??? i think i have right to did it)…and it keeps bring me down until today. he haven’t reach me till now on.